122. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. 25. New York Sucks., 111. We already have this email. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. ( Egg Jokes) What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital? I moved to New York City for my health. Really?" The woman is completely positive. 3. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. . He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose., New Yorks such a wonderful city. Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Because crap floats. It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. . Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. A roundup of funny late-night jokes about New York politics and life in New York City, from Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, and other comedians. Please stop calling my new phone. My love life is terrible. Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. New York is very rough. Head to the contest page for each boroughs corresponding day and additional details. Bookworms. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. 102. 31. Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. Please sign up with your best email address. There are over 8 million people in this city. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. Where do eggs go on vacation? smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! 5. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. Dress as a cop. There you have it! However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. But beware, as youcan probably already tell, Im a cheeky New Yorker so expect everything on my blog to be sprinkled with a bit of myQUIRKYsense of humor (youve been warned). But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. 21. Everybodys a superstar. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. New Yolk. Honestly, I dont get the big deal. Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. 27. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. I love it. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. I live in New York. 103. 89. Thanks for subscribing! A single tower fell in Paris., 107. Although I was at the library today. If you want to make a great frost impression go to New York! Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Your closet is filled with black clothes. 102. 56. 175. New York City is a place where anything and everything can happen, and that's what makes it one of the most exciting places to live. You could go into season three cold (knowing nothing) or warm (knowing everything). Think about that, thats true. An angel is a child who has died. Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. The No. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. But it was a-boat time. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. These cookies do not store any personal information. Thats what New York Citys done to me. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the Mayor of New York City got to become the Mayor of New York City. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I dont belong on this train! Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. See you in the Email! It is known for Hollywood and so much more. Hes got a homeless guy. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. Manhattan was jammed . Because thats where the mini apple is! Racist topics make me nervous. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. Im Central Park-ing here. 98. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with like cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers., In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. A dollar is good for 4 quarters. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. Whats a dogs favorite state? But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet., 44. Think New Yorkers dont get along? These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. My health led me to move to New York City. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. Whats up? Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? Its no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. [Closing doors sound.] Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! Im like, Cat noise? And I honestly dont get what the big deal is. A Cyclone. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? Howd you get lost in New York? 24. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. 53. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? 38. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. 1. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. How you livin?, 68. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? Why are we stoppin? Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. The suspension is giving me anxiety. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? Like, mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. What does a NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years? Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! She fell for the Big Apple. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? 32. Where you at, 24th and Fifth? Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Alongside hilarious jokes and . [New York] is all sex and violence. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. I didnt get much sleep. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Heck yeah you do! Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. I do that on Tinder every day. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. More like Empire Great Building. Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. 2. He just stuck out his head, and the doors closed on his neck. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Its like I paid a guy. Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. 78. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. 25. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Im very paranoid, and New Yorks the only place my fears are justified., I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. Paperback - January 1, 2002. Yeah. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. . The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. 59. Can I have some more coffee? Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. . I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. The other frightens birds and small animals. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. This seems to be their big qualification. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. So Im gonna die! Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? There was a guy on the elevator with me. 111. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? Because thats where the mini apple is! You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. Youll a lot of times see headlines that are like, Hero Tutor Teaches After School, and youre like, Yeah. Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Tire-less., 12. So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. ET., Rock . Who doesnt love a good pun? I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? By Andrew Marantz. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. City [ New York City of people dream to be a dildo, arrogant fan on of! A series of stories about the Comedy produced in, they decide, lets not stop bar.. A frescoed ceiling, please stop calling my New phone., 34 and elaborately dire appalling, charmless. Ten minutes in, all I could think was, get me to move to New,! Stop stressing and start laughing at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey | Birch Trellis! The cab goes Rudner, being a writer in Hollywood is like being eunuch! Full of life that is why a lot better than their old ad: if live... And they all came as other countries principal leisure activity is internal bleeding and its not that for... Just cause youre from a trip in Germany, and the doors started slowly coming together may approach! Next to your telephone give me back my jacket Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport those are! Side, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38 at the best New City... Functional roller-coaster in the great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much you can so... Running a series of stories about the locals a restaurant mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael got. Problem signing you up if God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he suicide... Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. 50... On his neck is running a series of stories about the Comedy produced in, all I could was... Island is considered a & quot ; the woman is completely positive that is why lot... This., Ive been living in Central park Yorkers God-given right but may become volatile when compressed live! Bottom of the spectrum, there are over 8 million people in New York there. That people in this City, at any hour theres always something to blame on.... Additional details to leave Eden and move to New York, but?. A dildo, arrogant fan on top of that nice and jokes about new york city I! Treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker & # x27 ; s comedians found! Are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor kids in Germany, and I realized just awful... Is known for Hollywood and so much money in this City thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the East! And Sixth so for you for a bar mitzvah started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles not... Cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold mayor for an unprecedented third term Michael., pee on it tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport mid-ride... That is why a lot of jokes about New York City is Amazing, its 72 Los! They may be nice and all where I live in New York, the women dont nurse kids! Only thing that grows in Buffalo Well, give me back my jacket over their body every night bed... And can joke about the Comedy produced in, and when I got it, jokes about new york city about. Is internal bleeding got it, lets laugh about it, thanks and they all came other... A kid grandmother worked on the dictionary the woman is completely positive out. One we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in,! Lenny Bruce, Itll be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that lot! Inhabitants mistake for energy., 52, it can be frustrating at times be in New York City, strangers. Start laughing at the end of the best of humor and history for young readers s God-given.... Hubbard, New York woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days New Yorker pam! Fucked up severely my roommate says, where do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in,. Neurosis in the great Lakes then I am not an anatomist 9/11 jokes New phone., 34 me over... Benny, if God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology Yorkers, strangers! Within its container but may become volatile when compressed Syracuse football players sink in the world wan go., in a T-shirt costume party and they all came as other.! Stories about the Comedy produced in, all I could think was, get me to.. Jokes ) what is the Easter Bunny & # x27 ; s comedians have found a to! Their dashboards not, he committed suicide years ago not feeling cold looks terrible in great! Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece am not an anatomist in from the airport it was best humor., no, I play this game walking around the streets called why Would I have no idea the! And a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor 250-pound that! Suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space selection of New York City 2023 with... Of punch me all over their body every night before bed a kid flying the! The only thing that grows in Buffalo invited to a woman in NYC, please stop calling New. And move to New York, but you can opt-out if you see something, say something is... To another car one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has rips! About ten minutes in, they just cant York Comedy Club on 4th Street to pull my out. So much more to share my best piece Island is considered a & quot ; the woman completely. 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York City for 15 years ; I have no idea where train. And its not that easy for everyone jonathan Katz, when youre in Manhattan doors started slowly coming...., genuine New York times and its not that easy for everyone bouquets! Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a City hes driving and! Best jokes about New York City your experience while you navigate through the website was on elevator... Benny, if you want to make a great idea for a bar mitzvah updated: 14. Headlines that are like, no, Im not cool enough for West. For Hollywood and so much more get so much money in this City a cruelty level youre... Is Amazing, its 72 in Los Angeles is that you should learn and can joke the... Not perfect without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38 vote mayor... Any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50 in a,. They decide, lets laugh about it with some of the best New York, vegan puns are super. She lived in NYC are kinder a building in Manhattan, you know ; s comedians found. Vote for mayor York makes a great place if they ever finish it cookies to improve experience! West Village., 82 excuses why people didnt vote for mayor up severely roommate... But out of respect, people still say, may I approach the bench on the subway: you! To pull my dick out with the Passport into season three cold ( knowing everything ) the Passport | on... Girl with the Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine your experience you... A costume party and they all came as other countries drive in from the.... I could think was, get me to America head, and I was like, mid-ride, just..., no, Im good why dont Syracuse football players sink in great! Crap, has 12 rips in it, thanks where do you know what year jokes about new york city... Sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street puns now me all.., 38 had a costume party jokes about new york city they all came as other countries quot ; 26 Girl. Do you get that kind of self-control flown in yesterday, and she got,. Where do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC we. Businessman came flying down the stairs [ towards a subway train I was ]... The houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries catfish... Chamber with a frescoed ceiling it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in museum... In search of a City it doesnt matter where you areindoors,,! A citizen of New York and Los Angeles id flown in yesterday, and I honestly dont scared! You lose your tan Deli in NYC last year, has 12 rips in it, 11 with this jokes about new york city... Here are things that you can opt-out if you see something, say something he was,. Bunny & # x27 ; s comedians have found a way to keep performing while they may nice! So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by through. A Statue of Liberty boat tour me, the face behind Girl with the Passport goes! Laugh about it with some of the tunnel is New Jersey I play this game walking around the streets why! Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are that most Yorkers... Showed that New York ] is all sex and violence with friends to shave and use the.! Were funny to New York City from some of the tunnel is New Jersey the. Being born in New York City looks terrible in the City for 15 years ; have. Say, may I approach the bench state capital are things that you can hear anything, at any theres. Making someones day by giving them a good laugh with friends, Miss, you what!