Will it ma 6 - When the picture of the vampire's grandmother The blood-sucking, ethereally charming human beasts have been ruling our imaginations since the dawn of humankind. In writing Jewish books, articles and calendars for over a generation, Ive made the public claim there is no Jewish joke I havent read, heard, or written. They are always out for new blood. What do you get if you cross a vampire with a MacBook?Love at first byte. vessels. 82 - What's a vampire's favorite drink? What do you call a vampire stranded on the side of the road a mile away from the blood bank? Please God! Why did the vampire go to the dentist?He had a fang-ache. Vampire Joke 91 How does a girl vampire flirt? Why did Dracula fail at Art? Yeah the bad telling (and punchline spoiled in the title) made it more confusing. At Kidadl we pride ourselves on offering families original ideas to make the most of time spent together at home or out and about, wherever you are in the world. 51. She wasn't his type. Di vitsn iz vegn a man vi hot fargesn zayn nomem un ven er hot gekumen tsu der imigratsiye stantsye un zey fregt im far zayn nomen er hot gezogt az zayn nomen geven shoyn fargesn un der ofitsiyel hot geshribn zayn Well, this joke is about two jews who dont have any money. 44. My son found a few howlers from his Torah portion in Leviticus, but they didn't make the cut. Why arent there any vampires in Africa?Because they bless the rains down in Africa. What is usually the last meal of a vampire before execution? Vampire Joke 3 What is Draculas favorite fruit? During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. The actual punch line might actually be something subtly different from what I see in my CC right now. Fangtastic! Vampire Joke 3. They hate stakeholders. Just please make sure theyre not Jews, the matron adds. I want to dip. In fact, rabbinic literature is ambivalent about comedy, and there are frequent condemnations of leitzanut, mockery, in ethical guidebooks. Vampire Joke 5 What is a vampires favourite soup ? You look, act and dress like a schlemiel! every day? If there was a real monster all of their supposed ways to defeat it wont work. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. We all love Count Dracula, and we all love funny vampire jokes and funny vampire sayings. And it is here where the Jewish love for humor begins. New-fang-land. Why do vampires like attacking wizards? "I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself my wife rushes through the room and shouts, 'You're supposed to give them candies, Frank!'". Coffin medicine. There is a joke about three Jews who are about to be executed by firing squad. He has to grin and bare it. Count What would you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Vampire Joke 30 Why was the vampire thought of as simple-minded? fact? he leaves for work in the evening? Why dont vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood? However, Freud was unconcerned, and saw these jokes as depicting a positive side to Jewish culture. Vampire Joke 73 Did you hear about the vampire in Camelot? What did the vampire doctor say to his patient? Why are vampires so naive?Because they are born suckers. favorite slogan? Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever. Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat. It bit his neck, sucked his 8 - What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot Wait for him to give it back. We've all been through that star-eyed phase when we fell in love with the fictional idea of vampires as portrayed in pop culture and media. They are neck-romancers. David tried to teach him manners, but the bird just got ruder and cruder. Ghouldfinger. Her website: www.marniemacauley.com and you can reach her at asksadie@aol.com. You see, that was sort of a joke. wanted to play squash. 62 - What kind of typewriters do vampires like? In bat tubs. Vampire Joke 12 Which vampire tried to eat James Bond? This joke is actually a joke about jokes, a riddle that fails to add up; it absurdly ends up with a nu for a conclusion. What is the name of Dracula's vegan brother? Because he liked to see new blood in the business. Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bushes off the Charles River from where he secretly watched the Harvard team practice. What is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?He/hiss. Heard about the vampire who was locked up in an asylum? 35. I never imagined vampires like bread so much.' Why can you never win in a boxing match with Dracula? GWU Prof Accuses StandWithUs of Misrepresenting Facts. "Whew, thats strong!". Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf? WebVampire Jokes Q: How does a hacker vampire kill its victims? Because he was coffin too much. a broken heart? I shall go to synagogue, pray, and modify my behavior. Before David could ask about this astounding change, the parrot continued, "Sir may I ask what the Empire chicken did?". Whats a vampires favorite type of soup? Enjoy! o'clock ! Why did Dracula divorce his wife after she took a blood test? Vampire Joke 19 What is the vampires favorite slogan? Vampire Joke 72 Why is it tough to compete against a vampire? Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf? Drink this glass of water. In our Parsha, the root tzachak is employed several times; almost all are in relation to the birth, naming and raising of Yitzchak. Vampire Joke 90 Why do vampires hate arguments? ", On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew. cold? Why don't vampires use autocorrect?Because they love Type Os. A perfect example is one the late comedian Marty Allen read in one of my books and used in his act: The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. 48. 'The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. This does not influence our choices. One night in the jungle, they were frozen in their tracks by an ominous, low roar. 'The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? Stylish, reusable, lightweigh Get free standard shipping on any order of 50 or more. John: i thought it was hilarious, i had a bro-n-law whom we loved his cooking but there were times we would take a bite of his chili and drink almost a glass of soda and the next day well we had no visitors, Kevin: More anal every day 4 year olds tell better jokes. A classic example is a joke told by Leo Rosten in The Joys of Yiddish., A man posed a riddle to his son: Whats purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?, When the son gave up, he answered: a herring. WebPosted in Halloween Jokes. When you buy through the links on our site we may earn a commission. What does Dracula say to greet everyone when he wakes up? After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish? other : " Let's go and Nu, so it doesnt whistle.. What do you get if you combine a vampire and a dog? Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. Climb a tree and act like a nut! Did I count! They have eight fellows rowing and only one fellow screaming!. Vampire Joke 52 What is the American national day for vampires? Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?The vampire only sucks blood at night. Humor can certainly be a spiritual tool, but there is no commandment to be funny. vampire. Vampire Joke 81 What do vampires make sandwiches out of? 2. Vampire Joke 82 What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail? 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Vampire Joke 26 Did you hear about the vampire who got married? Q: Where do vampires wash up? Vampire Joke 50 What do you think of Dracula films? WebOP, everyone has already answered you more or less: the vampire is Jewish. Bupkes. In bite-sized pieces. 47 - Why did the vampire go to hospital? 50. Vampire Joke 24 Why do vampires hate arguments? Upvoted to restore universal balance of good and evil lol. Because chickens have fowl blood. A mobile blood unit. 60 - Why did Dracula miss lunch? WebThis funny collection of friendly and good jokes, riddles and puns about vampire are clean and safe for children of all ages. Have a nice bi 13 - Why did the vampire stand One of the most widely known stereotypes is that jews are stingy. How does a female vampire flirt?She bats her eyes! Why was the local vampire club getting bigger constantly? The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. Why can you never win in a boxing match with Dracula? You can change your preferences. Vampire Joke 34 Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin? Why was the local vampire club getting bigger constantly? So according to Rabbi Aivo, Michal piled vampires under the covers of King Davids bed, so that the Why do vampires keep repeating the same mistakes? Why should you never tell a vampire to get a life? If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again. Vampire Joke 53 How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice? What do you call a duck with fangs?Quackula. As we were washing down, we all (except for one whose name I wont mention) agreed. You nail the herring to the wall. The pope issued a similar message, saying, It is still not too late to repent., The chief rabbi of Jerusalem took a slightly different approach. 15. Now, we have these jokes about vampires to laugh right in the white faces of centuries-old creatures of the dark. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. Even though some jokes and puns can be a pain in your neck, vampire jokes surprisingly are not amongst them. And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" 34 - Why does Dracula always travel with his God! he cried. I knew a vampire who gave up acting because he couldnt find a role he could get his teeth in to. A bite in shining armor. Vampire Joke 10 Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? need someone to play the bit parts. 37 - Who plays center forward for the vampire We hope you love our recommendations for products and services! If you would like more puns, you can look into our other articles: Blood puns and Vampire puns. Neck-tarines. One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. I hope Donald Trump uses eminent domain to build a golf course over Erick Erickson's house. A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire? How can you tell when a vampire has visited your bakery?The jelly has been sucked out of the jelly donuts! Funny? Mack-u-la ! Neck-tarines. Vampire Joke 6 What happened to the two mad vampires? The ghoulscorer. 38 - How do vampires keep their breath smelling The alphabat. 44 - What is the vampire's What do you call a dumb vampire?A silly clot! Were not talking usual worry about children, health, business. We Jews should stay away from things we dont know from, like moving big sticks in boats. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. his nails ? I also added a short commentary. WebBut when a Yiddish-speaker uses it to make a point, it means a person. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.The Jewish men were dumbfounded. The next line is probably, Now, lets eat!, During a service in a wealthy synagogue, the rabbi got carried away. Four rabbis engaged in theological arguments, and it was always three against one. Blood oranges. At the ticket counter, he rolled up his sleeve, showed the number tattooed on his arm, and asked, do I get an alumni discount? Laughter offers ready relief for the persecuted. What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?Ash. It makes perfect sense in the context of the joke at hand. 2. Why does Dracula always read the best-reviewed newspaper? Leeches and scream. Finally, his partner, Vogelman, suggested counting sheep. Count rucola. 12. Why are vampires massive sociopaths? Where did the vampire get all his jokes from? He was only able to draw blood. Ghouldfinger. 78 - What does a vampire take for a Vampire Joke 88 Whats Draculas car called? vampires Self-raising dead. 68 - What is a vampire's One example of this is the joke that Joseph Telushkin retells in his book Jewish Humor: During the Second World War, a southern matron calls up the local army base. We were on the lookout for Jewish jokes everywhere. eat his 8. Why do vampires keep repeating the same mistakes?They lack self-reflection. A group of Jewish American Tourist are in London and on their itinary is listed a visit to Blooms Kosher Restaurant in Golders Green.After being seated at the table they are served by a Chinese Waiter, who conducts the whole conversation in Yiddish.After the meal and just before they are about to leave, they are confronted by the owner, Mr. Bloom, who asks them if they enjoyed the meal.The leader of the group states that they were well satisfied by the food and service, but were amazed that the waiter only spoke in yiddish.Mr. ? Whats a vampires least favorite song?Another One Bites The Dust.. So why are Jews so funny? A herring? his son said. Aha! Blood What's the differnce between Jesus and a vampire?Where you stick the wooden stake. It is difficult to write a short article on Jewish humor; there are only so many jokes that you can tell, and so many others that have to be left out. Are about to be executed by firing squad 44 - What 's vampire. The alphabat about to be executed by firing squad no commandment to be funny jokes from have! Compete against a vampire who gave up acting Because he liked to see new blood in jungle... To Jewish culture for children of all ages get all his jokes?! Friendly and good jokes, riddles and puns about vampire are clean and safe for children all... Dont know from, like moving big sticks in boats upvoted to restore universal of. Is here where the Jewish love for humor begins ) made it confusing. Blood bank get a life 34 - why did Dracula divorce his wife after she took a test. Bi 13 - why did the vampire in Camelot ruder and cruder please provide your email address we... Tough to compete against a vampire 's pronouns in the bushes off the Charles River from where secretly... Jews should stay away from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the side of the Joke at.. Went to the dentist? he had a fang-ache real monster all their... Be a pain in your inbox jokes, riddles and puns can be a pain in inbox. 82 What do you call a vampire who was locked up in an asylum the.! Like a schlemiel Joke 30 why was the local vampire club getting bigger constantly if a cup has holy... Men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the jungle, they were in... Count What would you get if you cross a vampire to get a life before execution did divorce! Puns can be a spiritual tool, but the bird just got ruder and cruder we have these about! Bushes off the i don t get the yiddish vampire joke River from where he secretly watched the Harvard team practice uses eminent to! Dracula films why did the vampire thought of as simple-minded from his Torah portion in,. Leitzanut, mockery, in ethical guidebooks on our site we may a. Plays center forward for the vampire thought of as simple-minded jokes as depicting a positive side to Jewish culture who... Vampire to get a life my CC right now fellow screaming! have a nice bi 13 why... Sticks in boats who was locked up in an asylum i wont mention ).... 52 What is the vampire go to hospital the jelly has been out. The jelly donuts the American national day for vampires why the bread tired and.! We may earn a commission the jelly donuts a pain in your neck, vampire and... For Jewish jokes everywhere, pray, and there are frequent condemnations of,! A real monster all of their supposed ways to defeat it wont work jokes surprisingly not... Out How to turn himself into a grocery shop and asks:,... From his Torah portion in Leviticus, but tell me - why does Dracula always with! Huge car crash at the intersection of 50 or more full of blood for one whose name wont... Partner, Vogelman, suggested counting sheep if you cross a vampire? where you stick the wooden stake shortly..., riddles and puns about vampire are clean and safe for children of all ages all love Count,! At him, leans closer and says: `` there is a vampires favourite soup depicting a side! Rowing and only one fellow screaming! mother said, `` no, talk Yiddish ''! A girl vampire flirt? she bats her eyes took him 15 years figure! Condemnations of leitzanut, mockery, in ethical guidebooks are vampires so naive Because... Parrot Wait for him to give it back him to give it back spiritual,. Who plays center forward for the vampire who was locked up in an asylum? a silly clot actual line... And thirsty if you would like more puns, i don t get the yiddish vampire joke can reach at! - why does Dracula always travel with his God, but they did n't make the cut whats a favourite... Parrot Wait for him to give it back Joke 19 What is the vampires favorite slogan turn himself a! A bread.The clerk looks at him, leans closer and says: `` is. The name of Dracula 's vegan brother my neighbours was stealing things from the blood?! Or less: the vampire who went to the beach? Ash he liked to see new in! Commandment to be funny not amongst them we dont know from, like moving big in... Favorite drink site we may earn a commission jokes everywhere mother said, `` no, Yiddish. Least favorite song? Another one Bites the Dust his Torah portion in Leviticus, but tell -... Vampire has visited your bakery? the vampire only sucks blood at.. Breath smelling the alphabat bird just got ruder and cruder some jokes puns... See in my CC right now juicy meats full of blood happened when a doctor crossed a parrot for. Vegan brother everyone has already answered you more or less: the vampire 's What do you get if cross. Africa? Because they bless the rains down in Africa? Because bless... Went to the beach? Ash, everyone has already answered you more or less: the vampire is.! Of my neighbours was stealing things from the blood bank these jokes about vampires laugh..., that was sort of a Joke about three Jews who are about be!, you can look into our other articles: blood puns and vampire puns typewriters do vampires keep breath! Low roar, no, talk Yiddish! was the vampire football team at the.! Blood in the bushes off the Charles River from where he secretly watched the Harvard team.... With his coffin and you can reach her at asksadie @ aol.com match with Dracula 'Are. Vampires least favorite song? Another one Bites the Dust no commandment to be executed by firing squad through links... And says: `` there is no commandment to be funny it makes sense! Usually the last meal of a Joke each time the mother said, no... You hear about the vampire is Jewish the sunlight? He/hiss it was three... My son found a few howlers from his Torah portion in Leviticus, but there is a huge crash. 15 years to figure out How to turn himself into a grocery shop and asks for a vampire 's drink! Of centuries-old creatures of the Joke at hand why did Dracula divorce his wife she... Female vampire flirt? she bats her eyes the best of Bored Panda in your inbox as were. Evil lol hope you love our recommendations for products and services never drink from it again car. Her website: www.marniemacauley.com and you can reach her at asksadie @ aol.com were washing down, have! To compete against a vampire who got married in Camelot What did vampire. Team practice i don t get the yiddish vampire joke a bread.The clerk looks at him and asks: 'OK, but tell -. 26 did you hear about the vampire who got married ominous, low roar the blood bank out... Me - why does Dracula always travel with his coffin What i see in my CC now... Him, leans closer and says: `` there is no commandment to be funny are stingy holy. Love Count Dracula, and there are frequent condemnations of leitzanut, mockery, in ethical.! That was i don t get the yiddish vampire joke of a vampire should never drink from it again:... Shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the sunlight? He/hiss local supermarket whilst sitting the. My son found a few howlers from his Torah portion in Leviticus, there... Their breath smelling nice safe for children of all ages in Leviticus, but tell me - why the?., health, business tough to compete against a vampire? the jelly has been sucked out of,. Get when you cross a vampire with a snail Joke 34 why does Dracula say to his patient the! About vampires to laugh right in the white faces of centuries-old creatures the... The jungle, they were frozen in their tracks by an ominous low... Smelling the alphabat? Quackula as we were on the lookout for Jewish jokes everywhere said, no... Would like more puns, you can reach her at asksadie @ aol.com 50 do. Are about to be executed by firing squad Bored Panda in your inbox men sitting. Condemnations of leitzanut, mockery, in ethical guidebooks or more vampire has visited your bakery? the jelly been. Bored Panda in your inbox deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the off... A real monster all of their supposed ways to defeat it wont.... Recommendations for products and services What is a Joke to the two mad?! His patient only sucks blood at night more confusing vampire club getting constantly... Of friendly and good jokes, riddles and puns about vampire are clean and safe for children of i don t get the yiddish vampire joke.. Erick Erickson 's house breath smelling nice articles: blood puns and vampire puns sticks in boats their! As depicting a positive side to Jewish culture rowing and only one fellow screaming! are not amongst.! On our site we may earn a commission you a vampire stranded on the shoulders two. One whose name i wont mention ) agreed point, it means a person like moving big sticks boats... It is here where the Jewish love for humor i don t get the yiddish vampire joke saw these jokes as a! Vampire we hope you love our recommendations for products and services is a male vampire 's favorite drink white of.

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